I Don’t Know What I’m Doing & I Don’t Want to Know, Yet

It’s everywhere, your great aunt or distant cousin asking “What are you doing with your life?” or “Where are you applying to college?” followed by the never ending flow of judgement directly after, depending on your answer of course.

Hearing people that know exactly what they want career wise is so incredible and inspiring but never in my life have I ever been drawn to one practice with such an unwavering confidence. And it’s alarming to me to think at times I feel embarrassed, guilty or even ashamed of myself because at twenty-two years old I don’t have a set idea, but that’s also the thing, I don’t want to. I have plans, of course! Working outdoors in a National Park once again is one of my biggest aspirations for my near future as well as expanding my knowledge in the versatile and ever growing coffee industry. I always feel like I have to justify myself after I explain these dreams though, like they aren’t enough, which is honestly exhausting.

I’m not living in the clouds either, I completely understand the expenses our society holds us to and I think it’s important to be prepared and equipped to sustain without scrambling. But working to live is something I never aspire to do, caught in an endless cycle of crippling mental, emotional, physical and even spiritual exhaustion. The thing is, I have so many aspirations that I am drawn to for the future and I enjoy the beauty of not knowing which will be followed – not rushing what I feel drawn to. Roasting coffee, freelance design work, pop-up florist, ceramics teacher, beekeeper, gardener, park ranger, the list goes on and on. Of course these each would take time and commitment but the beauty is for now, I have other dreams to follow first! In the meantime, I am still gathering all sorts of skills to better equip me later in life.

Not everyone is going to agree with your choices in life and I’ve come to terms with that, me being a natural people pleaser and all. It’s realizing they aren’t the ones living your reality day to day so it’s pointless to try to make them your reason for choosing a certain path. Personally, if I’m loving and honoring God and also loving and honoring others – there is a respected freedom with what I do in this life and I am so excited to embrace all the beauty, pain, nervousness, fear and joy this life bestows upon me and I wish nothing but the same for you. Ultimately, don’t let other people’s fears stand in your way.